Archive for: January 4, 2024

You’ll be fine! You’re ok, don’t worry! and other phrases are easy to say and quickly come to mind when we see a person is sad or upset. Our motivation when we say these things is murky at best and self serving at worst. On some level we are offering support. What support actually sounds like is very different. You’ll be fine! Sweeps away the other person’s feelings. It sort of says, “Get your sadness out of here!” That is pretty agressive. You’ll be fine, so why bother me with your depression? Probably is not what we are trying to say. Also (in our defense) our aggression here is (probably) at the sadness or whatever the upset feeling is and not at the person, but that distinction is lost on anyone feeling bad. A person who we care about is feeling bad and we want to push that badness away, but that is a brute force way of thinking and it is worthless here. Don’t let your upsetness at their upsetness make you act like a jerk. It is very easy to let happen so you have to be on guard against it. You have to listen to what you are saying and let your care for them guide you. What support actually sounds like is inclusive and friendly. It sounds validating and emphasizes you are with them as they face this trouble. No one wants to be told their feelings should disappear. Who can do that? People really need to know that what the feel makes sense to another person. As human beings we need to share. The good, the bad, even the mundane, any feeling we have is better when we have another person to share it with. Why else would people say, “That was some rain this morning”? If the other person says, “It sure was.” we feel a little more secure. What support actually sounds like is what you are actually trying to do as a caregiver: letting them know, “you are not alone”….