“Son, We’re Moving In!”
Alzheimer’s disease. Stroke. Financial incident. Car accident. Surgery. Loneliness. Heart attack. There are many reasons you might move in with your parents or in-laws, or why they may move in with you. It is not a simple choice and there are some things everyone should consider.
First about me and my experience with sharing a home. We moved with my mom from Wisconsin to North Carolina because of her Alzheimer’s disease. We took care of her for 11 years. It’s been four years since she passed away. Recently my in-laws have moved in with us because rents just keep climbing, and they had to.
There was no question that they would move in with us. We have the space. It is close to their old place, so it is familiar and their friends are close by. But one major factor for you may be whether you move in with them or they move in with you. A few questions for you to ponder are:
• Which home has more room?
• Which home has a space for all family members to feel they have their own private spot?
• Is one of the homes all on one floor?
• Are their safety precautions already in place at one home over another?
• Will one home be easier to put in a ramp, get a wheelchair through doorways, or walk-in shower over the other home? A person may not need any of these aids right now, but could need them in the future.
• Does one home have a lower mortgage or no mortgage?
Relationship
If you do not have a good relationship with your parents, do not move in together. I get thinking your mom can babysit your kids, or maybe they have money and you could use the financial help. I understand you think they don’t have any options. But nothing will make you have a good relationship if you do not have one before you live together. It doesn’t need to be great, just good enough.
Home Rules
Do you have any house rules? You may have some, and you don’t realize it. Like, shoes off in the entryway, or no smoking in the house. It may help everyone who lives in your home to know what they think the rules are. Sit down and write some home rules, together. Think about how to make them happen. Be prepared to explain the reason behind the rule. If you want everyone to take off their shoes, you may need a bench or chair for older people to change into a pair of secure, comfy slippers. Make a list and let them chime in with any of their ideas for house rules. Write them down. It can be a good time, actually.
Boundaries
After a few years with Alzheimer’s, mom had no boundaries, really. We were her care partners at first. As the disease progressed, we became her caregivers. We took care of all her needs. Our boundaries were just the limits of our abilities.
My in-laws are much more independent than my mom was. Neither of them has any cognitive diagnosis. We knew we would need to and could set boundaries, physical and emotional. My husband and I created a little living room in our bedroom. That way we could eat alone or watch a movie or show that we like in the evening. This has helped a lot since they prefer to watch only the news.
Before my mother-in-law moved in, we were discussing meals, and she thought we could eat most of our meals together. My husband and I both work from home. We see them all day. We thought that would be a proper boundary: Let’s not have meals together by default. Now, I tend to make large meals and offer for them to have some, and they usually will. However, we don’t have a standing dinner appointment. This boundary is working for us at the moment.
There is also the boundary of your relationship with your spouse. You need to be able to have a space where you both can talk freely. You need space to be your weird married selves. You need to have alone time. So, another (boundary for us) is: Upstairs is off-limits to the in-laws. Then have their bedroom, dining room, living room, laundry room, and all the porch and deck space – just let us have the upstairs to ourselves.
Finances
No matter your relationship, it may be beneficial to have a written document stating what their rent is and what it covers. For us, we find that including all rent, utilities, internet, cable, phones, and some food into one payment works well.
Future
If your parents are independent and able to do everything (or mostly) on their own – then let them – don’t try to take care of them. That day may come soon enough. Find ways to keep them as independent as possible. Be aware that as you take this leap into the vast cavern of living together, the situation will change. It could be quick or slow. You go from being a roommate to a caregiver, so be prepared. Get to know their preferences, their doctors, medications, and how they want to live, so if the day comes when you need to care for them, you and they will be ready.
“We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box.” -Robert Fulghum
Oringinally printed in Today’s Transitions July 24, 2024 by Karen Stobbe